not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
