sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
