Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
