I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
