I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
