sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't deserve a penis
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
