Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
