omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
