ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
