tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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