if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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