Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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