Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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