i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
