i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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