Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
