She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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