I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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