What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
