Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
