The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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