im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it glows. i had to have it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Randomize
