I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you never un-have a 4some
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
