Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
