i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
