Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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