life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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