probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
