When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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