if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
