im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
