then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
