Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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