threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
