She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
