Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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