I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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