U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
