thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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