did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
