Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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