I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
