There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
