Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
