what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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