We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just had sex bonerless
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
