Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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