You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
