I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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