OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
