I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
