All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
