a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
