Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
