yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
