the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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