U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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