she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
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