Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
