so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
